You can escape competition through authenticity because no one can beat you at being you. – Chris Williamson
Have you ever tried to shrink yourself to fit in? To quiet the parts of you that make you different, hoping it would make life easier?
For a long time, I did. And let me tell you, it didn’t work. The real me was still there, but the courage to show up as my authentic self had vanished. I started overthinking everything—how I spoke, how I moved, how I looked—until I was more focused on managing others’ impressions of me than actually being present. And in doing so I lost sight of myself. But here’s the thing: when I finally embraced my true self, everything changed.
The Trap of Trying to Fit In
Back in 2018, after finishing my master’s degree, I swore I was done with school. I was tired of studying, tired of being broke, and just wanted a stable career where I could afford more than 1.5 meals a day. By 2021, I had everything I worked for: the job, the certification, and a paycheck that doubled my grocery budget from $50 a week to $100. It was a win.
But during that time, I was also on a mission to blend in. I was tired of being the “weird chic” with endless fun facts and deep-dive discussions about random topics. I thought the solution was to change—lose weight, dress trendier, go out more, dumb myself down, and read less. Sound familiar? Have you ever felt like you needed to change in order to be accepted? For a while, it worked. I stood out less. I made new friends. But something always felt… off.
These newer connections never felt real—because they weren’t built on my full self. They were built on a version of me that was smaller, quieter, less. Plus, no matter how much I tried to fit in, the real me would always slip out. All it took was a conversation where my passion was sparked, and suddenly, I was talking too much, sharing too deeply, hoping it would create connection.
Isn’t it exhausting, pretending to be someone you’re not, just to make things easier? But here’s the thing: those relationships built on the real you are the ones that last.
The Moment It Clicked
A game-changer for me was listening to The Joy Junkie podcast every morning. It introduced me to concepts I’ve explored here at Late Bloomer Chronicles: reparenting, self-validation, and the true meaning of self-love (the blog on that is coming soon). The most important takeaway? My validation is something I can always rely on. I can always choose to like myself even if no one else does. And you can, too.
That lesson really hit home when I became friends with someone from CrossFit, who only knew the “muted” version of me. I listened more than I spoke, avoided sharing my real thoughts, and shaped myself into the kind of friend I thought she wanted. But one day, I found myself in a deep conversation with her partner about how connotative plays on denotation is used to manipulate public perception—especially in politics. The mask slipped. I wasn’t the opinionless version of myself I had been portraying myself to be. He loved the debate, but she, however, didn’t. It led to her slamming cabinets and later cursing me out, accusing me of trying to outshine her in front of her man.
Girl…what?
In the end, I lost yet another friend. But then it hit me: I wasn’t really being true to myself. I had downplayed my curiosity, my love for intellectual conversations, my depth. So, did I really lose a friendship if I wasn’t being my authentic self? Now, I understand that all relationships should be built on integrity, not on a version of yourself you have to uphold.
I’m curious—have you ever held back part of yourself for fear of rejection? How did it feel when you finally let that part out?
That experience solidified it for me: I needed to show up fully as myself in all spaces, no matter how I thought others would perceive me.
The Shift from Fitting In to Belonging
That lesson didn’t just apply to friendships—it applied to dating, too.
In the Summer of 2023, I met a man I really liked. Learning from my past, I made a conscious decision to show up 100% as myself from the start—quirky, deep, and unapologetically engaged. As a result, it turned out to be one of the most fulfilling dating experiences I’d ever had. But here’s the irony: he seemed to be holding back the real him, and I recognized it instantly. It reminded me of a trap I’d fallen into before—overthinking everything, trying to sound cool or relatable, pretending to care less than I actually did, for fear of looking desperate or needy. It’s a cycle that makes you come off as awkward and insincere. It’s like wearing a costume and expecting people to believe it’s real. You end up pushing away the very people you want to connect with because they can’t see the real you.
These days, romantic “fitting in” often comes with a “high value” persona—where emotional detachment is key, and people are valued for their wallets, sexual prowess, and aesthetics. I think he believed he had to embody this persona to attract women. But when you’re looking for a real connection, the only way forward is by being yourself. I’ve never been drawn to the ‘alpha’ or “playboy” types. What I truly sought was a sigma: someone quietly confident, secure in themselves, and effortlessly authentic. That experience was a powerful reminder: when we try to be someone we’re not, we miss the chance to connect with those who may truly appreciate us for who we are.
Have you ever felt like you had to change to belong? What would it feel like to simply be?
What Belonging Looks Like
Now, belonging looks like Christmas with my extended family. I’ve always been the quieter one in a loud household—the daydreamer in a family that tends to be more boisterous, the black sheep. But I no longer force myself to match their energy. Instead, I move through the room in a way that feels right to me—engaging in one-on-one conversations rather than competing for the spotlight.
I’m also the woman who loves dressing up in heels, but when my feet hurt? My East Texas roots shine bright, and I kick them off to go barefoot. I don’t care if people think I’m low class or a country bumpkin—I exist as I am. And the funny thing? People seek me out for insight because I’ve embraced my unique perspective, rather than suppressing it. It’s rare for me to go anywhere without transforming a stranger into a connection.
Fitting in – shrinking yourself to be accepted.
Belonging – showing up as you are and letting the right people and spaces find you.
The Power of Knowledge and Curiosity
For years, I consumed books, articles, and video essays, always chasing knowledge. At times, I questioned whether it was worth it—whether my love for learning was just another quirk that set me apart in the worst of ways. But now? I see how much it has shaped me. It’s made me a great friend who always has resources to share and a better big sister who finds answers when I don’t know them. And in my career? It’s been my greatest asset. As I take on the challenge of pursuing my PhD, I’ve never felt more confident. All those random facts, deep dives, and endless curiosity are finally paying off. One day, I believe they’ll also help me become a great wife—someone who can challenge, support, and grow alongside her partner.
What’s your passion? What are the things you love, even if they make you stand out? Own it, because those are the things that make you unique.
Homework: Embracing Belonging
Belonging doesn’t just happen—it’s a practice. And yes, rejection is scary, but the more you show up as yourself, the more you attract the right people and spaces. Here are some small but powerful steps to help you embrace belonging:
- Say the weird thing. The next time you have an offbeat thought or random fact to share, say it. See who engages.
- Go to that event that keeps showing up on your feed. Even if you have to go alone, take the leap.
- Compliment a stranger. If their shirt, book, or conversation resonates with you, tell them. Connection starts small.
- Share your real interests. If you love niche documentaries, ancient history, or coding in your free time, own it. Your people will find you.
- Observe how you feel in different spaces. Do you feel like you’re shrinking or expanding? Follow the spaces where you feel most yourself.
The goal isn’t to be liked by everyone. The goal is to be you and let the right people and opportunities find you.
The Truth About Late Bloomers
You don’t need to fit in. You need to stand out. The right people, the right opportunities, the right life—they’ll find you when you show up as yourself. And when they do? That’s when you truly start to bloom.
So, to my fellow late bloomers: Stop trying to fit in. Focus on belonging. Find the spaces that welcome you as you are. The more you embrace yourself, the more the right people and opportunities will find you.
And the best part? You’ll finally like yourself—not for who you’re pretending to be, but for who you truly are.
Until next time,
Later Bloomers 🙂
